​Stop Carrying Others

For many it has become quite normal to carry others. We take on chores or solve problems for others because they perceive that they are not capable, too old to be learning something new, or seemingly are just too lazy to do the task and so on.

These are the points I am addressing here, of course there are always tasks that can not be performed by someone for a specific reason.

A common phrase that I hear very often is: If I don’t do it then nobody will or, I will wait forever if I don’t do it myself. Oftentimes the perception is that the other person will do the task the wrong way or we have to show them how to do it each time, so it seems just a lot easier and less nerve wrecking to do it ourselves.

This is where we start to carry others. Oftentimes as we don’t have the patience for others to do something or can not be bothered to explain it and wait until the other person understands it or does it the way we want them to do it, we will just do it ourselves.

We start to take on more and more jobs, just because we don’t have the time, patience or nerves to wait or take the time to properly show the others how it is done or because we would feel guilty by not doing it for them, thereby starting to carry them.

They then consciously or more often unconsciously see how they can manipulate us into doing those things for them. Very often starting to step into a pattern of low self confidence, because they actually begin to believe that they are not capable of doing these specific tasks and sometimes falling into a pattern of laziness that doesn’t serve anybody.

A wonderful example of this are oftentimes children, as in this regard they very often are master manipulators. Many kids don’t do the chores they are told to do until the parent finally does it themselves, as they are becoming tired to always keep up with the little one trying to get them to do the task. Thereby giving the little one reinforcement that this tactic works, and they will start to test it out in more areas. Testing out how far they can go with manipulating you to do things they don’t like and ultimately you starting to carry them.

This in turn creates friction between the two parties. The one carrying, who feels pressured to do things that are not theirs to do and the one being carried that will feel the disappointment of the other which in turn leads them to feeling guilty and/or shutting down.

The reason for this is the fast paced world we are living in, as well as people not talking to each other in a heart based manner. Most believe that time is money and that anybody not taking part in this race will be somehow be left behind and left out.

This is why so many parents start to carry their children, instead of caring for them and ultimately leave it up to them to choose. Explaining to them the consequences of their actions and why we feel what we want them to do is beneficial for everyone and especially for them.

Very often when asking someone to do a task we just tell them to do it in a commanding tone, or if they fail to do it we get angry and insulting. Instead of telling them why we are asking them to do this and why we feel it is beneficial for everyone.

The same goes for troubled situations. For example, when we see that someone is sick, depressed or otherwise hurting. Very often we tend to then try to take on or solve part of their ills with the well-meant intention of making their load easier. Trying to make them feel better or ease their pain, by taking on part of their pain. Which again leads to carrying them instead of caring about them.

There is no way that we can make anything better or resolve something for another, if this person doesn’t want it for themselves. They will always go back to do the same thing over and over again, until one day they will finally get it themselves and realize their misperception, ultimately eliminating the root cause of the problem. They have to wake up themselves, nobody can do it for them.

This is where caring comes into play. Caring is when we see what the other is going through and we offer them our assistance if they ask for it. We do not take on their pain and thereby making it ours as well. Instead we are offering them a way to get out of the pain, if and when they are ready for it. This way they will do it themselves with our assistance and everyone will feel great about it.

So next time when you catch yourself starting to take on the pain of someone or do tasks that are theirs to do, ask yourself why you are doing this. Become conscious about what you are doing and start questioning if this is beneficial for everyone concerned.

Show them that you care and are always willing to assist if they ask, but don’t carry them and thereby taking on a load that is not yours to carry.